


Sweet Dreams are Made of Cactus

by LyingTurtle



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Dream Shenanigans, F/F, F/M, M/M, Questioning Sexuality, Western Theme
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-27 06:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9979958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyingTurtle/pseuds/LyingTurtle
Summary: Explore the wild wild west and the frayed psyche of a man in this nights feature presentation: Doug Eiffel and that one time he was asleep long enough to dream and it freaked him out!





	1. Good Ol' Dust and Dirt

**Author's Note:**

> Look, we all have that one thing we'll never admit to later on in life, this is going to be mine.

“Is there anything more awesome than this?  Hot sun pouring down, dry desert as far as the eye can see, blue sky without even a hint of a cloud.  This must really be paradise” Eiffel announced, putting both hands on his hips and looking out over the horizon with a proud grin on his face.

“Eiffel!  If you've got so much time to stare at the dirt then maybe you could spare a  _ single _ second of your time to actually do the paperwork I gave you!” Minkowski barked, throwing the screen door to the sheriff's office and stomping out with rough cowboy boots and a red and white checkered shirt that reminded him of a picnic table sheet.  A large brown sheriff's hat sat perched on her head.  As soon as she was out standing beside him she looked herself up and down, feeling like something was wrong.  “Why am I so short?”

“Huh?”

“Eiffel why did you make me short!?”

“That's how tall you normally are!  You just are usually floating so it looks weird” she rolled her eyes dramatically and turned away from him so she could stare out into the desert as well with folded arms.

“Whatever, your dreams are stupid anyways, let's just get this over with.  What are we doing here?”

“Well  _ I  _ was appreciating the desert before you imperially marched yourself into my life”

“And now what, we just sit here and look at dust?  Dammit Eiffel can't you think just one thing through?  How long are you even planning on sleeping?  Do you have any objectives at all for this?”

“I-I don't know!  Stop hounding me!  Normal people get to just fall asleep, have a fun dream, and wake up without remembering it, can't you let me at least have that!  Not everything has to be stupidly productive!”

“You could be taking the time to practice the de-stressing measures we talked about” she suggested in a way that tried to sound helpful but just came off condescending.  She didn’t bother correcting herself though and began turning towards the door to the office, “But I'm guessing you're just going to cook up some nonsense that  _ I'll  _ have to fix”

“Hey commander I think I see-”

“It's sheriff actually”

“...What?”

“See the hat?  Sheriff” she picked it up and put it back down on her head for emphasis, also showing the very loose bun hidden behind it that made Eiffel wonder just how detailed her costume was.

“Right, right.  Sheriff I think I see-”

“Are you thinking about my underwear now?”

“What?!  No!  Why would I?”

“Because you worried you got really detailed with my costume, you were afraid you might have some weird repressed fantasy about me that's only coming out now.  But don't worry, you didn't.  Oh no, I wouldn't get relaxed, you could still definitely be gay, which I'm going to add may be a little offensive with how you're stereotyping right now”

“Dammit!  Comm- sheriff Minkowski, stop mind reading, I think I see someone riding up to the town!” They both looked out into the desert to see two clouds of dust growing bigger, a shape like a running horse in the center of both of them.

“Crap, knowing you they’ll probably be bandits.  Come on Eiffel, we need to go warn the town, I've got an idea where they'll go first” and so Eiffel followed Minkowski off the back porch and into the dusty road that stretched out into the creaky wooden buildings that neither of them noticed growing up around their very eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I don't know if I'm doing this ironically or not anymore.

Minkowski kicked open the swinging doors to the saloon, all eyes turning to face her as she walked in with wide thudding steps, eyeing everyone in the establishment with a powerful gaze.

“What you you all looking at, back to work!” She barked.

“Uh, sheriff, this is a bar, not an office” Eiffel whispered, growing uncomfortable with all the giant people staring them down with daggers in their eyes.

“Eiffel is isn't even noon yet, there's no reason to be drunk.  Did you all hear me!  I said get up and go to work!” This time she kicked a table so hard underneath it that the glasses toppled over and spilled onto their owners.

Three of the most burly men Eiffel had ever seen stood up and towered over them.  Eiffel swallowed hard, the memory of many a bar fights coming back to him, mostly in the form of a sharp pain at getting his lights punched out.

“Hey!” A small feminine voice piped up, “Don't you dare start a bar fight in here, you don't know how hard it is to keep a place like this going!  Have you ever run thirty complex life support systems at once?  Don't think so, now scram!” The girl walked forwards, a large and overly puffy pink skirt swirling around her feet, a feathery taffeta bodice clung to her figure and turned into a sort of see through shawl connecting at the sleeves and wrapping all the way around her.  “Eiffel stop wondering if you're gay, you just like western costumes, and it's offensive to stereotype people like that”

“Dammit Hera, I don't think I'm gay!” Eiffel protested, then looked at the two giant men who were just standing there, “Also are they going to do anything?”

“Oh don’t worry, they aren't important” Hera scoffed, waving them on as they turned to the door and walked away silently.  Once they were gone she was able to turn towards them and grin madly.

“Isn't this great!  Look how cute I am, I have curls!   _ Curls! _  I mean I would have appreciated looking something more like mayor or a doctor, I don't know why you thought I'd be a good flapper sort of cancan girl looking thing, but you know what, I'm just not even going to worry about that.  I'm smarter than you and we both know it so that's all that matters” she smiled, spinning around quickly so her skirt could get in everyone's way. “Glad to see you're enjoying slacking off as much as he is” Minkowski sneered, her arms folded in an antagonistic fashion.

“Just because he actually thinks the genderless robot without a body is more feminine than you doesn't you mean you get to pick on me” Hera folded her arms to show just as much cold hostility.

“Oooookay, let's all just not say anything more and sit here is the best round of the silent game ever played!  Isn't this awesome!  Gang's all here and nobody has to say anything at all!  Best dream ever you guys, thanks so much for coming!” Eiffel laughed, putting himself between the two women very quickly.

“God what an idiot”

“Useless” they both rolled their eyes and started walking away.  Eiffel begrudgingly followed them down towards the bar and took a seat on the bar stool with Minkowski, Hera jumped up onto the counter and swung her legs down between them.

“So, what brings you two down to my neck of the woods, or desert I guess.  Also why a desert Eiffel?  Haven't you like, almost died of dehydration?”

“You know I hadn't really stopped to consider my underlying trauma but thanks for bringing it up.  The desert was just sort of the farthest place I could think of” he shrugged.

“Hera, we came to warn you, we think bandits are coming this way” Minkowski started, getting straight to business.

“Bandits?  All the way out here?  My scanners aren't picking up anything unusual”

“Hera, come on” Eiffel groaned, “this is a western, you don't have scanners, do something… Rustic”

“Okay here let me try” she cleared her throat and straightened her back, “Well gosh darn, I ain't hear nothin’ comin’ up from over them hills, you sure you ain't just catch a fright from a tumble weed or two?”  She turned back to him triumphantly, “How's that?”

“Could tone it back a bit but you're on the right track” they high five briefly before there's a loud whinny from outside the bar doors.

“Too late, company's here” Minkowski pushed herself off the stool and started for the door, her gun coming unholstered from her side, “Hera you stay back behind the bar, don't come out for anything” Eiffel quickly hopped the bar and pulled one of the cabinets aside from under it, allowing her to dart beneath and curl up to make herself as small as possible.

“I'll come get you when it's over” he whispered,

“Be careful” he cleared the saloon space fast enough to be on the sheriff's heels as they stepped out into the hot sun once more.

There before them were two people on horseback, Jacobi with gun holsters on either side of him, and Maxwell with a wide brimmed white hat that matched her white leather boots and made her look more like a rancher's wife than a hardened criminal.

“Salutations” Jacobi announced, hopping off his horse and taking only a few strides towards them.  Everyone looked expectantly at Maxwell next who looked up with unconcerned surprise, muttering only a small, 

“What?”

“What indeed, who are you two and what are you doing here?” Minkowski snapped, eyes darting between the two of them.

“Well now, that depends on who's asking” Jacobi raised an eyebrow, looking to Eiffel and keeping his gaze there as he started to squirm.

“I'm sheriff Minkowski and this is deputy Eiffel.  We're in charge of this town.  Now who are you?”

“Deputy huh, i guess I'll have to behave then won't I?” Eiffel took a half step behind Minkowski, suddenly extremely uncomfortable with the prolonged eye contact the other man was trying to make.

“Ahem, I asked you a question, do not make me repeat-”

“I'm Jacobi -second in command- and this is our research specialist Maxwell.  We work for an organization a little ways out from here”

“A super secret evil one!” Eiffel piped up.  Jacobi sighed and shrugged his shoulders, clearly annoyed.

“Dammit Eiffel you're not supposed to know that yet.  You have to  _ ask _ me these things, create some dialogue, let the suspense build.  Haven't you  _ ever _ seen a movie?”

“It's been like, seven billion years since I've seen one, cut me some slack!  It's a miracle I'm still able to come up with brilliant pop culture references that will be outdated by the time I get back to this dumb rock” he had stepped out from behind her and now was angrily yelling, a little flustered for being the one to break character this time.

“Eiffel please, you're embarrassing us” Minkowski hissed, one hand covering half her face, “Let's just,” she waved her gun around without much purpose, “move this along.  Blah blah blah evil bandit group called Goddard F- wait do we have a pun name lined up?”

“Goddard Frontiers” Maxwell said without looking up from a book balanced on the back of her horse.

“God that's awful.  Anyways, blah blah evil group, we run this town now, both sides draw, then it's a standoff” on cue every person drew a gun from a holster and had it trained on one of the opposing sides, “And now we're here.  Great”

“Actually” Minkowski and Eiffel quickly turned around to face the voice that had come from the saloon, the swinging doors rattling behind him as he stepped out.  Standing taller than anyone there and with a black hat titled low to obscure his eyes, stood Kepler, gun pressed against the side of Hera’s head with his other arm in a choke hold her neck, “I think this is where I come in.  And I  _ cannot _ believe we're doing this because I definitely did  _ not _ authorize this.  But if you insist on wasting your time playing along, then you two can at least drop your weapons before I shoot this poor girl and give myself a nasty headache.”

The pair looked at each other and then Eiffel slowly knelt to put his weapon down.  Minkowski just tossed hers to the side.  Jacobi collected them both and then after producing a cord of rope and jerked their hands behind them before tying them up tight with expert practice.

“And who are you?” Minkowski asked with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever.

“You know who I am” Kepler spat, “Let's skip the semantics and have a real talk”


End file.
